A Love Never Spoken
Ehanna (long ago)! In a small, one-room log cabin located in a sparsely populated area on an Indian (NDN) reservation lived an NDN boy, his mother, and nine siblings. The mother was a strong Dakotawin (Indian woman) who instilled her Dakota values of honesty, courage, hard work, and pride in her Dakota heritage in all her children. It was a simple life of sharing, hard work, and making do with what little they had. The NDN boy knew somewhat of the Wasicu (Caucasians) who lived on the reservation, but he didn't care to learn anything about them. Wakan Tanka (the Great Mystery) had made them different from him; their skins were pale, and the men had hair on their faces. They lived in other houses, they had different customs, and they practiced a religion that was strange to him
Growing up in the country, the NDN boy was shy and withdrawn when sent to a BIA school. There, he experienced his first ongoing interaction with the Wasicu, who came from outside the reservation. They were his teachers, and the world they described sounded so strange to him. It was a world so different than his, a world he knew he could never be part of, nor did he want to be.
A "Black Robe" (missionary) knocked on the NDN boy's door when the NDN boy was in the third or fourth grade. This Black Robe would be the first of several Black Robes who came to their log cabin to entice him and his siblings into attending a Christian church. Around the same time the first preacher showed up at his log cabin, his older sister began to read books to him and his siblings by a kerosene lamp up in the log cabin loft where they slept. He soon found that Christian religions were the opposite of the Dakota values his mother had instilled in him. By the time he was a teenager, he had rejected Christianity altogether.
Exposure to Christianity and books had a profound effect on the NDN boy. He was soon reading every book he could get his hands on. Due to his Dakota upbringing, he read books about his people and other Indian tribes. He would become irritated when he read about the wrongs his people and other tribes suffered at the hands of the Wasicu, who were supposed to be "civilized." Because there was no electricity in the log cabin in which he lived, he often had to read by the dim light cast off by kerosene lamps when the sun went down. "Istima!" (go to sleep) his mother told him many times when he became engrossed in a good book and would read long into the night. By the time he reached eighth grade, he had ruined his eyes from reading by the dim light of kerosene lamps. Eventually, the historical wrongs he read about and committed against his people, his disillusionment with the Christian religions he was forced to learn, along with his own rebellious, trouble-making nature led him to adopt as true these three principles that would influence him for the rest of his life: all religions were false, rules were for other people, and he was more intelligent than most people (Many years later, he would also accept the fact that part of him would never grow up.).
In the eighth grade, he joined the school basketball team. Although he was not a very good player, he could play a few minutes now and then when his team was far ahead. One such time happened at a non-Indian school located about 30 miles off the reservation. He was familiar with the school because his older sister was a high school senior there due to their reservation not having a high school at that time. The coach put him into the game during the last minutes, and he was lucky enough to score a basket. Up on the balcony, his sister went wild (from what his teammate told him later). More importantly, at least as far as this story is concerned, his eyes were drawn again and again to the prettiest girl he had ever seen while sitting on the bench. She had long hair, a stunning face, a beautiful smile, and the sexiest legs he had ever seen. She was a cheerleader for the opposing team.
When the NDN boy graduated from grade school, not wanting to attend an Indian boarding school, he reluctantly followed his sister's example. He enrolled in that non-Indian school where he had seen that gorgeous cheerleader the year before. He viewed it as the lesser of two evils. Although he was scared and nervous on the first day of school, the pretty cheerleader he had seen the year before lingered in his mind. Despite his nervousness at being off the reservation in a strange environment, he searched for her in the crowd. He felt she had graduated from eighth grade just like he had and would be in one of his classes. And she was!
When the NDN boy finally saw her, he could not stop staring at her. She was much more gorgeous than he remembered. She must have noticed him staring because she looked right at him, and her look took his breath away. His crush on this beautiful young winyan (lady) soon turned into hopeless love that never wavered in the four years he went to school there. He never spoke to her in those four years. His extreme shyness and mistrust, and fear of the world she came from prevented him from approaching her. It was so different than his world. Although not yet an adult, he realized that his culture and her culture were as incompatible as oil and water. So, he adored her from afar, often glancing at her when he was sure no one else was watching. At times she would catch those looks, their eyes would meet, and he truly became lost in those beautiful brown eyes.
One such moment came after a basketball game when an Indian boy from the dorm fought with a player from the opposing team. The entire crowd went outside to see them fight. After the fight, the students crowded back into the building. The ndn boy tried to locate her in the chaos but could not. In a panic, he searched the crowd for her but could not find her. Finally, her face appeared in the crowd. She had been watching him while he was looking for her. She smiled at him when he finally located her. Her smile told him, "Here I am."
In the summer of his junior year, the NDN boy finally succumbed to the temptations of alcohol that was so prevalent in his Rez. Although caught in alcohol's downward spiral that would continue for about a dozen years and result in horrible consequences, he returned to school for his senior year.
At the start of the NDN boy's senior year, an Indian guy, a transfer student, begins to take notice of the cheerleader. He soon became infatuated with her and could not help but notice the glances exchanged between the NDN boy and the cheerleader. The NDN boy was aware of his infatuation with the cheerleader. After all, they stayed in the same dorm, but he never gave it much thought. By now, he was wise enough to realize nothing would become of his love for the cheerleader. More ever, over the summer, he had his first experience with the wild side of life, and that life was calling to him.
Until one weekend when he was in Devils Lake's infamous Colonial Bar. When he came out of the bar, the Indian guy sucker-punched him right in the mouth. Not expecting the punch, the NDN had no chance to defend himself and fell to the ground with one tooth knocked out and two so broken the dentist removed them later. The Indian guy never gave a reason why he sucker punched the NDN boy, but they both knew it was because the Indian guy was jealous of the glances exchanged between the cheerleader and the NDN boy. The Indian guy dropped out of school soon after that, and within a couple of years, he was dead by his own hand.
His disreputable lifestyle made him feel unworthy to be in the same school as the girl of his dreams. He would vacillate between continuing to adore her from afar or ignoring her altogether. However, try as he might, he couldn't ignore her for long; her smile, her captivating eyes, the way she walked, how she dressed, and her beauty, all had too strong of a pull on him, and he would go back to adoring her from afar. He did manage to avoid looking at her the entire last week of school. He knew he would never see her again. Therefore, his heart hurt when he caught glimpses of her, so he avoided looking at her altogether. Despite missing 32 days because of his burgeoning addiction, he graduated.
The perfect storm of the NDN boy's alcoholism and his guiding principles (all religions were false, rules were for other people, and he was more intelligent than most people) led him to live a life filled with drama, heartbreak, disappointments, and failures. He served time in jail, won, and lost the love of several good winyans (women). He was chronically unemployed, and his recklessness eventually resulted in a car accident, which left him paralyzed from the waist down. It was only by his family's prayers to Wakan Tanka, a dedicated therapist who pushed him hard, and his refusal to believe that he would never walk again that he regained his ability to walk (somewhat) again. During that dark time in his life, he often thought about that beautiful cheerleader he lost his heart to, but by then, she seemed more of a vision than a real person. He also remembered some of his mother's Dakota teachings, which led him to get his act together and straighten up.
In the years that followed the NDN boy's return to sobriety, those three principles that brought him so much sorrow and heartbreak began to get him a lot of happiness and many personal and professional accomplishments. He conquered his alcoholism, started a family, obtained a teacher's degree, won the championship at a state pool tournament, held many satisfying jobs, and eventually obtained the highest degree possible in education. And as a Marine Corps veteran, he carried the Marine Corps flag in the Grand Entries at his annual reservation powwows, a significant honor among the Dakota people. But, most importantly, he raised three sons and a daughter as a single parent after his divorce. Thankfully, he learned it's not the abilities the Creator bestows on a person that is important; it's how a person uses them.
Many friends and relatives had given up hope that he would turn his life around. When he sobered up, many asked what influenced him; the biggest drunk asked, "Why did you quit drinking? He always replied, "It was how my mother raised me, the Dakota values she instilled in me as a child, that guided me back to sobriety." Sobriety brought a lot of regret for what he did and didn't do during what he now calls his "Hobo Joe years." Not having the courage to let the cheerleader know of his feeling toward her in High School was a major regret. At that time, he promised himself, "I'm going to live my life in a manner that when I reach 50 years old, I won't look back at my 40s with this much regret." It was a promise he kept. When he reached 50, he didn't have nearly as many regrets as when he reached 40.
As the NDN boy began to take advantage of the potential Wakan Tanka blessed him with, that beautiful Caucasian cheerleader with a fantastic smile and enchanting eyes would pop into his head. And now and then, he would think, "I wonder what she's doing tonight." Unexpectedly, he began to experience some mild regret at never speaking to her, much less telling her about his feelings toward her.
Then in his 55th year of the NDN boy's life, when he was enjoying his life, which had settled into a pleasant routine. When he reached most of the professional goals he had set for himself when he was comfortable with his growth as a Dakota Wichasa (adult man), when his children were grown and had blessed him with many beautiful thakozapi (grandchildren), when he had the respect of his family, friends, and relatives, when he was enjoying the freedom of his bachelor life, he was diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer. The doctor told him he had five years to live.
Shortly after his cancer diagnosis, he had his first dream about the cheerleader he loved so deeply so long ago. Over the next five years, he had several reoccurring dreams about her and wondered if he was going crazy. How could a girl he had known so long ago, for only four years, to whom he had never spoken a word, keep haunting his dreams? Not that they were bad dreams, but those dreams brought feelings of intense regret. Illogically, he began to think, "If I can just talk to her, and tell her how I had felt toward her, so long ago, maybe those dreams would stop."
Also, during this time, the NDN boy's son convinced him to get on Facebook. As he became familiar with Facebook, he realized he could reach out to almost anyone he had met over the years. The cheerleader was an obvious choice when he began to look up former classmates. After he located her, he struggled with the idea of contacting her via Facebook. After all, it had been four decades since he had seen her. He was concerned that she might become offended if he reached out to her. When he did work up enough courage to send her a message on Facebook, he discovered she had not activated her Facebook Messenger.
Then, one day the NDN boy ran into another alumnus from his high school, and this alumnus mentioned the name of another classmate living in the same vicinity as the cheerleader. Although it was a long shot, he decided to send this other classmate a message hoping she, in turn, would tell the cheerleader that he was trying to contact old classmates. And, maybe out of curiosity, the cheerleader would activate her message feature on her Facebook. On this slim possibility, he sent this other classmate a message.
He didn't know if it was a long shot or if the cheerleader suddenly turned on her message feature on her own, but one morning on a trip home from Montana, he tried to send her a message, and it went through! He immediately felt as shy and unsure as that young NDN boy when he was in the same room with her many years ago. After sending her a couple more messages, she eventually responded, albeit with just a few words.
Their brief chat on Facebook was enough for him to finally convey how he had felt toward her in high school and why he had never acted on his feelings. She replied sort of how he'd expected her to. She was not the person that he remembered... Forty-three years of joys and heartaches had changed her... She was happily married with children and had a good life. Although she was careful with her words, she did say someone reading this story would understand... He discerned this to mean she understood why he never attempted to talk to her. He told her it wasn't his intent to turn the clock back as he, too, had had a good life, but it was something that compelled him to do, and he couldn't explain why. And he wasn't that shy little NDN boy anymore. In the four decades that had passed, he had grown into a very outspoken individual who said what he meant and meant what he said.
Now that the NDN boy had contacted her and said the words he had wished he had said so long ago, he still wonders what compelled him to do so. Sure, he had dreams about her, and as a Dakota, he is aware that some dreams are Wakan (sacred) and are a message from the Spirit World, but it had been four decades since he had last seen her, and he was just a kid at the time. Could it be that his love for the cheerleader was more than a young man's crush, a love he had subconsciously suppressed due to his loyalty to his Dakota upbringing? An upbringing radically different from the cheerleader's world. Or, had his unconscious mind, which has a will and purpose of its own, regretted that he knowingly chose to "forget" the cheerleader and travel down a path of alcoholism after graduating high school? Because it was a wild, exciting lifestyle that was extremely attractive to him at the time. And had he regretted that choice, and out of nowhere, had come back to haunt him after all these years, or was it simply love so strong that he had to state it although four decades had passed and both the cheerleader and he was leading happy productive lives? He doesn't know why he felt compelled to say the words he wished he had said long ago to the cheerleader.
Maybe the reason is not essential, for some things are not meant to be known. However, due to his Dakota upbringing, he knew that some dreams are Wakan and carry important instructions that he must follow, so after much thought, he did contact the cheerleader and said what he should have said many years ago. Now that he has appeased the ghost of his youth, he will face whatever challenges life may bring with one less feeling of regret.
