07/12/07 By-standers, courage and the things we don't want to hear

We are working on our new on-line ethics course and there will be a large section on the importance of by-standers. On our Spirit Lake Forum, Ethical Questions, there are several posts about problems such as a co-worker who works 25 hours every week but gets paid for 40, a tribal employee who uses tribal credit cards for personal expenses or cash. In every one of these posts, it is noted that lots of people are witnesses to whatever the particular transgression is, but no one says or does anything. This leads me to my own ethical question, "Why?"

Part of the answer is in another part of our ethics course. We discuss Jennings' book, The seven signs of ethical collapse, in which sign number one is 'Fear and Silence'. Some of that can be seen in tribal (and plenty of non-tribal) programs where questioning too much can get you fired, or not hired or appointed in the first place.

It is easy enough to identify violations by others, as Dr. Longie says, everyone always thinks he is the most ethical person in the room. It takes a lot of courage to face up to your own short-comings. Most of us don't have that much courage. I know I don't. That's why it's important to have good friends and strong colleagues.

I believe one of the most important features of any organization is the way in which they maintain human dignity. You should not have to tolerate abuse to keep your job or receive services. If a client or parent comes into your program and you speak to them rudely, make them wait for half an hour while you make personal phone calls or tell them to come back another day because you are leaving to do your Christmas shopping during work hours, that is just plain wrong. Today, someone told me,

"You're like that. You're arrogant and you make people feel put down."

I was shocked and, when he said it, I guarantee you there was a moment I did not like him very much. Trying to be polite, I told him that I was sorry he took it that way. He didn't let it go. He went on.

"It is not just me who takes it that way. It is a lot of people. If you feel the need to always tell everyone you have a Ph.D. and you write a lot of grants and have a successful business, it makes them feel put down and they don't want to listen to you and they will take every opportunity to put you down and undermine you to get even."

I thought about this for a while. I do tell people I have a doctorate and I am pretty insistent on people listening to me and asserting that I have the credentials that justify what I have to say. Thirty years ago, when I received my first degree, there were very few women in business and for much of my career I have had to fight gender and ethnic stereotypes. More times than I can count, at the beginning of a meeting I have been mistaken for the secretary or the maid. Men have sat down at conference tables, snapped their fingers at me and asked me to get everything from pens to coffee. To forestall this, I got into the habit of standing up at the beginning of the meeting and announcing,

"I am Dr. AnnMaria De Mars and I am the director .... "

Times have changed, as my children always tell me and maybe it is time I change with them. What I do know is that the gentleman who wrote me has a lot of ethics and did a courageous thing. Hard as it was for me to accept, I also realize the importance of people like him in organizations. As I told him, the mentors who have helped me in my life have not only been those who told me how well I was doing but more often, those who pointed out my flaws so I could fix them. We need those ethical by-standers to make our organizations stronger.