"You are a mean, old woman," more than one of my daughters have told me more than once.
"You know, sometimes you're a real bitch," I have been told by friends (but never by my husband who is commonly known as the calmest man in the world.)
I can't even claim to misunderstand the source of this discontent. As I have said on repeated occasions,
"I may be a bitch but I've never been a stupid bitch."
What is this all about, even from people who like me, sometimes love me? Well, I'll tell you. I am not an understanding person. I don't try to be. I don't want to be. There are three very big lack-of-understanding areas that really upset people.
1. It is not nice to discuss ethics. I was amazed to find that even alltop, the way-cool digital magazine site doesn't have a category for ethics. It has a category for ETSYRATI, for heaven's sake, which is a word that I had to look up, and I have four degrees. (To save you the time, I will tell you. Etsy is a website for small business owners to sell handmade items. Etsy rati are people who do that.) Talking about ethics is like talking about racism or sexual harassment. It makes people uncomfortable. Nice people talk about the weather or the cost of Michael Jackson's funeral or will Rush Limbaugh ever shut the hell up.
2. Even less nice than discussing ethics in general is discussing specific people's specific ethics, like honesty. I was in a meeting today and the outrageous spending of a non-profit organization was brought up. These people had spent $150,000 this year on board member travel, entertainment and travel for their chief executive. In the meantime, they had given the organization a 'contribution' of $160,000 from their endowment fund, 'borrowed' $70,000 from their endowment fund and that fund had LOST almost $70,000 this year after having been invested with some friends of the board members. I demanded to know how this could happen, were the board members 'asleep at the wheel'? How could no one not have noticed this? These weren't secret documents. They were the financial statements given to all board members and no one said a word.
3. Least nice of all is calling people out, calling them cowards and 'refusing to be understanding'.
In defending the board members, a friend of some of them said,
"AnnMaria, you don't understand. Some of these people have spent a lot of their own money over the years to get to their current positions. They have paid to fly to events at their own expense to support the organization, get noticed and be selected for different opportunities. They've invested not just money but years of their lives to get recognized by this organization."
He's right. I DON'T understand. Even meaner, I don't WANT to understand. Here is what I DO understand. It doesn't take any courage to do the right thing when there is no cost. If that homeless guy who is half your size steals a hotdog from the stand out front, it doesn't take any courage to yell at him and threaten him if he does it again. When it does take courage is if your boss, or the chairman of the board, is taking $25,000 to fly first-class around the world while the clients you supposed to serve are getting told there is no money, very sorry. What I do understand is that it only takes courage to do the right thing when there is a risk.
If you only do what's ethical when it is at no cost, no risk to you, then you are NOT ethical, you are NOT honest, you are NOT courageous and no, I DON'T want to understand where you're coming from.
Or... maybe I do understand and I don't care. As I said in the meeting today,
"I feel only contempt for people who would sell out their community for a price as small as being on some committee so they get a free trip to Hawaii. I understand perfectly well."
So, there you have it, I am a mean old woman.
I try very, very hard though, to persevere in being an ethical one.
"You know, sometimes you're a real bitch," I have been told by friends (but never by my husband who is commonly known as the calmest man in the world.)I can't even claim to misunderstand the source of this discontent. As I have said on repeated occasions,
"I may be a bitch but I've never been a stupid bitch."
What is this all about, even from people who like me, sometimes love me? Well, I'll tell you. I am not an understanding person. I don't try to be. I don't want to be. There are three very big lack-of-understanding areas that really upset people.
1. It is not nice to discuss ethics. I was amazed to find that even alltop, the way-cool digital magazine site doesn't have a category for ethics. It has a category for ETSYRATI, for heaven's sake, which is a word that I had to look up, and I have four degrees. (To save you the time, I will tell you. Etsy is a website for small business owners to sell handmade items. Etsy rati are people who do that.) Talking about ethics is like talking about racism or sexual harassment. It makes people uncomfortable. Nice people talk about the weather or the cost of Michael Jackson's funeral or will Rush Limbaugh ever shut the hell up.
2. Even less nice than discussing ethics in general is discussing specific people's specific ethics, like honesty. I was in a meeting today and the outrageous spending of a non-profit organization was brought up. These people had spent $150,000 this year on board member travel, entertainment and travel for their chief executive. In the meantime, they had given the organization a 'contribution' of $160,000 from their endowment fund, 'borrowed' $70,000 from their endowment fund and that fund had LOST almost $70,000 this year after having been invested with some friends of the board members. I demanded to know how this could happen, were the board members 'asleep at the wheel'? How could no one not have noticed this? These weren't secret documents. They were the financial statements given to all board members and no one said a word.
3. Least nice of all is calling people out, calling them cowards and 'refusing to be understanding'.
In defending the board members, a friend of some of them said,
"AnnMaria, you don't understand. Some of these people have spent a lot of their own money over the years to get to their current positions. They have paid to fly to events at their own expense to support the organization, get noticed and be selected for different opportunities. They've invested not just money but years of their lives to get recognized by this organization."
He's right. I DON'T understand. Even meaner, I don't WANT to understand. Here is what I DO understand. It doesn't take any courage to do the right thing when there is no cost. If that homeless guy who is half your size steals a hotdog from the stand out front, it doesn't take any courage to yell at him and threaten him if he does it again. When it does take courage is if your boss, or the chairman of the board, is taking $25,000 to fly first-class around the world while the clients you supposed to serve are getting told there is no money, very sorry. What I do understand is that it only takes courage to do the right thing when there is a risk.
If you only do what's ethical when it is at no cost, no risk to you, then you are NOT ethical, you are NOT honest, you are NOT courageous and no, I DON'T want to understand where you're coming from.
Or... maybe I do understand and I don't care. As I said in the meeting today,
"I feel only contempt for people who would sell out their community for a price as small as being on some committee so they get a free trip to Hawaii. I understand perfectly well."
So, there you have it, I am a mean old woman.
I try very, very hard though, to persevere in being an ethical one.
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