Last week, I was having dinner with my daughter, Ronda, who is 22 years old, and a few friends my age (which is a whole lot older than 22). I don't remember the specific unethical individual who came up or what he had done - used A LOT of money meant for his program on his own travel and personal expenses, I think it was but I do remember very clearly Ronda's question,
I have no actual research on this, so I am trying to think back. I'd like to believe that many people come into an organization as basically ethical and it is a slippery slope downward. They make a small compromise, telling themselves,
Like I said, I'd like to believe that, but I think it usually happens way before people get to the workplace. Certainly, by my age, you run into lots of people who are willing to sell out, who don't seem to have much ethics, and if they could get away with not coming to work and collecting a paycheck, using the tribal credit card to pay for their gas all month or whatever, it wouldn't bother them the slightest bit. They'd just shrug it off.
Although I always hated those sappy 'talk to your kids about drugs commercials' (I guess they didn't have the same ad budget that the beer and tobacco companies did), they do have a point. As the old saying goes, the tree grows the way the twig is bent.
(COMPLETELY unrelated note - I was in Georgia and there are some very cool trail markers by the tribe that lived in the north Georgia mountains a hundred years ago. They would literally bend a twig and it would grow into some weird shaped tree and that was one of the ways they marked trails through the mountains.)
I think one way you make ethical people is by talking about ethics. It almost seems like a taboo subject, not just on the reservations but in society as a whole. It's not "nice" to call someone a liar or mean or stingy or a thief. Erich wrote a blog on how the Dakota used to put liars to death and how now people need to at least DISCUSS lying!
From the very beginning, I think as a parent, you need to discuss ethics. When my children were as young as five or six years old, if they had told a friend they would come over to play, and then another friend who was maybe more fun, more popular or whatever, asked them to play, I would say this,
Okay, so yes, I realize that those aren't very big words but remember, I am talking to a kid in kindergarten here.
What about generosity?
I heard a show on This American Life, on the Cruelty of Children. I have to say that much of it was not something I would let my 11-year-old daughter listen to, just because of the adult nature of the discussion, but there was a section on a teacher who started a rule in her class "You can't say you can't play".
I talked to Julia about it and we had a discussion on children's feelings, on bullying, on how people feel left out. Now, Julia was the first fourth-grader to be elected to the student council at her school (it goes up to the eighth grade) and got re-elected this year. She is not an unpopular kid, but the word other parents and teachers use to describe her often is that she is "kind".
I would like to pretend I am brilliant,but the truth is that I think I learned all this from the conversations my grandmother had with me, usually at the same time as she was kneading bread dough or cooking dinner. What you teach your children matters.
As adults, the Tribal Leaders Institute is trying to promote these same discussions. The good news is, from what I have seen of the results so far, it is never too late to make ethical people.
"How do people like that sleep at night? No, seriously, I am asking. If I even say one mean thing to a person during the day, it bothers me and I feel bad about it. How can you take $25,000 out of a budget that is supposed to help people and spend it on yourself, or try to raise votes for someone you know isn't as good as the other candidate and will do a horrible job, but they promised you some position... I mean, how do you even look in the mirror without thinking about yourself, @!#, I am really a @!#%?"
I have no actual research on this, so I am trying to think back. I'd like to believe that many people come into an organization as basically ethical and it is a slippery slope downward. They make a small compromise, telling themselves,
"Well, yeah, I know Joe should not have charged the food for his party to the grant, but, hey, I can do so much good here, there is no point in causing problems and maybe getting fired. How many people could I help then?"
Like I said, I'd like to believe that, but I think it usually happens way before people get to the workplace. Certainly, by my age, you run into lots of people who are willing to sell out, who don't seem to have much ethics, and if they could get away with not coming to work and collecting a paycheck, using the tribal credit card to pay for their gas all month or whatever, it wouldn't bother them the slightest bit. They'd just shrug it off.
Although I always hated those sappy 'talk to your kids about drugs commercials' (I guess they didn't have the same ad budget that the beer and tobacco companies did), they do have a point. As the old saying goes, the tree grows the way the twig is bent.
(COMPLETELY unrelated note - I was in Georgia and there are some very cool trail markers by the tribe that lived in the north Georgia mountains a hundred years ago. They would literally bend a twig and it would grow into some weird shaped tree and that was one of the ways they marked trails through the mountains.)
I think one way you make ethical people is by talking about ethics. It almost seems like a taboo subject, not just on the reservations but in society as a whole. It's not "nice" to call someone a liar or mean or stingy or a thief. Erich wrote a blog on how the Dakota used to put liars to death and how now people need to at least DISCUSS lying!
From the very beginning, I think as a parent, you need to discuss ethics. When my children were as young as five or six years old, if they had told a friend they would come over to play, and then another friend who was maybe more fun, more popular or whatever, asked them to play, I would say this,
"No. You can't go. You told someone else you would be at their house. You gave your word. And that means you have to do it. That is very, very important that when you say something you do it. That is a big part of what makes a good person."
Okay, so yes, I realize that those aren't very big words but remember, I am talking to a kid in kindergarten here.
What about generosity?
I heard a show on This American Life, on the Cruelty of Children. I have to say that much of it was not something I would let my 11-year-old daughter listen to, just because of the adult nature of the discussion, but there was a section on a teacher who started a rule in her class "You can't say you can't play".
I talked to Julia about it and we had a discussion on children's feelings, on bullying, on how people feel left out. Now, Julia was the first fourth-grader to be elected to the student council at her school (it goes up to the eighth grade) and got re-elected this year. She is not an unpopular kid, but the word other parents and teachers use to describe her often is that she is "kind".
I would like to pretend I am brilliant,but the truth is that I think I learned all this from the conversations my grandmother had with me, usually at the same time as she was kneading bread dough or cooking dinner. What you teach your children matters.
As adults, the Tribal Leaders Institute is trying to promote these same discussions. The good news is, from what I have seen of the results so far, it is never too late to make ethical people.
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