Dr. AnnMaria De Mars
"And we pray for the children ....who watch their parents watch them die."
In our last workshop we have included a long discussion of death,grief and dying for two reasons. First, everyone on the reservation is touched by death more often. Infant mortality, diabetes, alcoholism, car accident, suicides - all add up to a wake or a funeral nearly every week in one of our small communities. Disability just subtracts from the already tragically low life expectancy. Second, acceptance and discussion of death, grief and dying is not a part of mainstream American society. Our earlier section discussed grief and death from a personal, Dakota perspective. This final section of our workshop discusses research on death and dying in America.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler wrote a wonderful book, On grief and grieving. One of the things they say that is the absolute truth is that 'forewarned is not always forearmed'. They say that 'anticipatory grief', that is grieving in anticipation of the person's death does not necessarily make the grieving after death any shorter or easier.
I would have to agree with them on this. My husband was born with a rare blood disease that affects less than one person in a million. When he broke his back he spent months in the hospital, much of it in intensive care. After five years of specialists, a hundred thousand dollars in medical bills, pain medication, his spine crumbling away from the metal rods they had inserted - he killed himself one quiet summer afternoon. No one could give him a different prognosis than that it would get worse and worse until he died either bedridden or on the operating table. He wanted a "Do not resuscitate" order put on his chart on the hospital. I threatened to sue everyone in sight if they went along with it. We had fought about this many times.
In talking with others over the years who have lost a husband, wife or parent, I have come to believe what Kubler-Ross says, that 'our grief is as individual as our lives.' While the research on grief may help us understand ourselves and others better, there is no neat package, no expected pattern. After Ron died, many people said to me some version of,
"At least he is not in pain any more." or
"You should be glad he is not suffering."
Others in the same situation have told me that they were glad that they were glad that it was over, that their father or mother or wife was not in constant pain any longer. Well, as much as I understood that everyone meant well, I was NOT glad it was over. What I wanted wasn't that he be no longer suffering. I wanted him to be well ! Maybe if he had not committed suicide, maybe if I had had to watch him get progressively worse for a few more years, I would have had the same sense of relief that my friends and acquaintances reported when their loved ones died. I am not saying my reaction was the right or the wrong one, but simply that reactions differ.
Some people will be comforted that their child or parent is finally at peace and no longer suffering. Some may think of it like that wonderful video about Rick Hoyt, the young many with quadriplegic cerebral palsy, that they will be able to stand, to walk, to dance again (or for the first time).
Although reactions differ, there are some stages and experiences that people have in common.
Stages of death, dying and grief