A Product of Disability Access: Empowering Tribal Members with Disabilities & Their Families
by Spirit Lake Consulting, Inc.
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Dr. Erich Longie My experience with my son’s death had an immediate change on me and in ways that I am still discovering. We Dakotas have a belief, which goes something like this: However you act immediately after a loved one dies, you will be compelled to act like that for the rest of your life. For example, if you turned to drugs and alcohol you will become addicted. If you became spiritual to handle your grief, you will be spiritual the rest of your life. If you were angry, you would be angry the rest of your life. Having been aware of this belief, I tried very hard to not get angry with anyone, to be more patient and tolerant with my children and others, and to avoid loud arguments and confrontations. Indeed, more than one person has told me that I changed for the better since my son died. I also admitted that my racism toward “white people” is wrong. I grew up believing white people were stingy and greedy. They didn’t care for their relatives -- putting their elderly in nursing homes and letting family members and other relatives go homeless. Here were people who I thought incapable of feeling compassion and love toward their fellow man, grieving for my son as much as his own relatives were. They obviously loved him very, very much. Their love for my son along with their kindness and compassion toward me made me reexamine my feeling toward them and I made this promise:
-- a promise that I have kept to this day. I used to love to read Stephen King’s books. His brand of terror really scared me. However, his scary characters and spooky stories seem small and insignificant now that I experienced something much more powerful in comparison – death. I also found out that nothing, or no one, really bothers me anymore. This strange calmness gives me an edge, so to speak, when I am in a situation that may lead to a confrontation, and I may be criticized and/or threatened. Criticisms, and threats simply do not bother me anymore. This often prompts me to speak up in situations where it is not easy or wise to speak up. In has been six years since Joel left us for the Spirit World. I now accept that my grief will always be there, it is beyond my control. However, I also realize my grief healed and comforted me, as long I did not run away from it. As a loner who never depended on anyone, other than my family for emotional support, I now realize how critical the support from my friends and acquaintances is. I will grieve for my son for long as I live, not in a harmful dysfunctional manner but in a manner that is reflective of the love, I have for him and him for me. In closing, my son’s death made me realize how short our time here on earth is. While I hope to live to be an old man, I have given some thought to the time when I will go to the Spirit World. This led me to ask the Creator to grant me this wish, to have Joel be the first person to greet me when I go to the Spirit World. As I mentioned earlier, the first of every month, I put a rose on Joel’s grave. I have directed my children to place a rose in my hand when I die so when I get to the Spirit World I can give him my last rose in person. Knowing the Creator will grant me my wish; when it is time for me to go to the Spirit World, I will go with more anticipation than apprehension. |
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