Bargaining, the next stage, occurs when we try to make a 'deal' with the Creator, God, the universe. If you just let him be okay, I will quit drinking, become a nun, join the Peace Corps.
Depression, the next stage, is one with which most people will be familiar, although familiar does not mean comfortable. The depression following a death is NOT the same as a mental illness. People who are mentally ill are depressed for no reason at all or far out of proportion to what is happening. Following a death, people are intensely sad as a logical response to what has happened. Someone they loved, someone who was a major part of their life, is now dead. As Dr. Longie said in the previous section, grief and love are related. If you love someone, if he is the first person you look for in a crowded room, if she is special among all the people in the world, and you will never see that person again as long as you live, sadness and tears are a normal reaction.
In some cultures and some families crying is accepted. In others it is looked at as a sign of weakness. In still others, not crying is considered a sign of disrespect.
When her father died, my daughter Jenn, then nine years old, did not want to attend the wake or the funeral. Several well-meaning adults insisted that she do so to prevent 'denial' that her father had died. At the funeral, Jenn was angry. She said that if her father had loved her, he would not have killed himself and if God had loved her he would not have hurt her daddy. One relative approached me and stated her concern that Jennifer did not cry at the funeral. I am afraid I was not very polite. I told her that Jenn was a nine-year-old girl who just lost her father and she would cry when she was ^&*%^ good and ready.
In America, most people have the attitude that crying immediately after a death is acceptable but then we should 'get over it'.
For some people, 'getting over it', is not a choice. As a mother with young children, getting on with life is required. I sat on the couch in my living room and cried for a week, but then I needed to get up and take care of my children.
While the intense fog of sadness lifts for almost everyone, there is no real 'getting over it'.
Acceptance